Here's what I've learned since I first started Over-Educated Nympho in 2005. Now you'll know it too and you can pass it on to all your friends and maybe after a generation or two, all men will be proficient in giving oral sex to a woman. After all, sharing is caring! --slides down a rainbow squeeing all the way--
- Girls have hot orgasm faces. Guys do not. Shut your eyes accordingly or you may never want to fuck him again. God forbid he sounds like a nursing whale. [guess which ex of mine that is]
- Online dating is more entertaining than doing a Scrooge McDuck into a vat full of chicken nuggets. In fact, I advise all single people to try online dating for one month just for shits and giggles and so what if a much older man asks you to bear his children. Be proud people find your genes worthy of procreation.
- Guys do not always bring condoms to your first hookup. That's fine if sex is spontaneous, but if this excursion was planned and he shows up empty-handed, he's a dick. Tell him to go fuck a nursing whale. Yes, even if he is really really really really really hot. That's just bad sexiquette.
- Always use a condom. Nothing kills your sex life like catching crotch rot.
- Always use a condom or there could be a bug-eyed alien growing inside you. And you know what babies are? POOP MACHINES. You can Google it.
- If you give a guy the best blowjob of his life, he will never ever forget you and you will be in his Spank Bank Hall of Fame for life. [Yes I know I am the Queen of Blowjobs and have written a fantastic series on how to give a blowjob, but you will have to wait for me to post it another day when I don't have two class's worth of writing homework to do.]
- People still do booty calls in their thirties, they just have the decency to text you before midnight. Or, you know, you sleep through it because you're old.
- The saying is true: guys with small dicks give fantastic oral sex. They have to or they'd never get laid twice.
- Guys with big dicks sometimes think that them standing there with a hard-on and putting His Throbbing Manhood inside you automatically makes for great sex. No. SO no. No no no no no. If that's the case, climb on top, tell him to shut the fuck up, and show him how sex is good for a woman.
- Guys who don't love love love going down on a girl? What the fuck is wrong with you? Go get with some girl who refuses to give blowjobs and get married and have a hoard of your very own poop machines.
- No one kisses anymore. What happened to all the kissing? Just because you're old enough to have sex now it doesn't mean you can't make out like horny teenagers.
- Men. Listen to me and remember this if you remember nothing else from my most entertaining blog post. Men have absolutely no excuse to be bad at oral sex. You have Google and porn on your phone. If nothing else, ask her how she likes it done and if she has two wits about her she'll instruct you in what to do. Also? GOOGLE IT, JACKHOLE.
- You never know what you'll remember about a date or sexual encounter. For example: my first memory of Hot Scott is that he was wearing pale blue ankle socks with red Converse. Come on, that doesn't even match. One of the most buff, gorgeous guys I've been with in a couple years and what do I think of? Bingo. And then there's Persian Guy, whom I am very fond of, and my first thought is of him gasping "Oh, VIX" when he cums. IN A PERSIAN ACCENT. Come on, that's as ridiculous as Tywin Lannister wearing a bowling ball bag for a hat.
- The extra weight I've put on doesn't seem to have slowed down my dating life at all. I've been bashful in bed and guess what? No one gave a fuuuuuck what my jiggly tummy looked like. But then again I don't date vain douchebags anymore [two imaginary cupcakes to the reader who guesses which ex I'm talking about!] I'm not hot anymore but I still get guys way out of my league. You know why? PERSONALITY. Wait I think I read that in Tina Fey's book. Or was it Amy Poehler's? Doesn't matter, read both.
- Before you start Tweeting and posting comments, let me say this--yes, confidence itself is very sexy, looks be damned. So is "having a great personality." That actually starts applying in your early thirties!
- Young guys really are into older woman. Be warned: that often means they expect you to be the one to pay. Also some are really inexperienced so you have to show them every damn thing, like "WHY are you using teeth on my pussy?" [Tywin Lannister's imaginary bowling ball bag hat if you can guess who this was.]
- I swear half the people my age don't know how to write a goddamn text, let alone sext. If you write some stupid shit like "wyd wanna bw me [emoji of a skeleton head next to a sailboat next to a no walking sign]. What is this drivel? I'm thinking about how awful the sext is instead of the sex itself. I mean, what the fuck is that? SEXTING IS AN ART FORM STOP RUINING IT [EMOJI OF A BICYCLE].
- Unicorns are better in bed than men. Or other women, but I'm biased because I know I'm right.
- A lot of people have not experimented much--BDSM (bondage, domination, sado-masocism), sex toys, anal sex. That's so sad. Why do you think I am blogging again! There's a national crisis.
- Sex with the lights dimmed is best. You can see each other just fine but you can't see the weird nipple hair situation he has.
- Keep condoms in your purse in the little pocket because you never know when you'll be having hot car sex. It's something you never grow out of! Unless you have a Fiat.
- Don't date anyone who does the scary drugs because you'll never know when they wind up in the ER talking about some girl named Molly.
- Date guys at least 4" taller than you so you can make good use of stilettos in the bedroom-- unless you have a waterbed, then have duct tape ready. Always be prepared!
- You can tell in the first three seconds a guy sees you if he wants to fuck you. I am entrusting this information with you because I know you will use this knowledge for good, not evil.
- Anal sex is super fun. Actually I knew that one before I was OEN. It's the Catholic way!
- Being a squirter means you're special. Being a gusher means that he will never forget how you squirted in his mouth or that when you were on top you spread your gushing river all over everywhere so his entire torso was covered in you. Talk about a huge wet spot though. I've slept on the couch instead.
Lastly: once an over-educated nympho, always an over-educated nympho. To my beloved female readers, especially the ones who have been with me through so much over the years.