What I've Learned as OEN

Here's what I've learned since I first started Over-Educated Nympho in 2005. Now you'll know it too and you can pass it on to all your friends and maybe after a generation or two, all men will be proficient in giving oral sex to a woman. After all, sharing is caring! --slides down a rainbow squeeing all the way--

Dear Me

January 20, 2025, Portland, Oregon

Dear me at age 33, 

...still stuck in Houston, Texas with all the good ol' boys who think it's cute as grits that you know how to drive a truck. No wonder you ran like hell to a blue state.

First off, your ass still rocks a miniskirt, in spite of the cellulite underneath. Imagine me high-fiving you from the future (where there are no flying cars, but there are now multiple flavors of Nutella, and Tina Fey is president of the United States, so it's cool..) 

Secondly, you have got to be nicer to yourself. Stop beating yourself up for the mistakes you made, buck up, and go be awesome. Because that's exactly what happens. You pull yourself out of it and now I'm happy as fuck thanks to all the hard work you're about to do to get your shit together. Stick with therapy. You cry a lot so get the last session of the day or else your mascara smears so bad you look like a coke-addicted whore. But therapy's great.

Withdrawal

Your feet feel asleep. Dead. It’s so hard to walk when you can’t feel your feet, like you’re walking on faith, hoping that your feet instinctively know what to do even though you feel like you’re walking on stumps. Doing this in four inch heels is a goddamn obstacle course through a maze of cubicles.

Your hand shakes no matter how hard you try to hold it steady. Your handwriting is dreadful when you’re like this, and it looked “serial killer” to begin with.

But really it’s the vibrating. Your entire body is humming, vibrating—no, pulsating really, and each body part is doing so at a different rhythm. It’s like each individual part of you is manic at the same time, but separately. Your body no longer belongs to you.

Why I Drink

Hi. I'm Vix, and I'm an alcoholic.

The funny thing is that I drank very little in college and none at all in high school, minus the wine coolers my father let me drink while we watched "Star Trek: Next Generation." Alcoholism ran in the blood, but I figured if it hadn't hit me by the time I graduated college, I would be okay.

I was very, very wrong.

Is 'Hot Mess' Available on Blogspot?

Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. He was the one who officially diagnosed me as bipolar a year and a half ago when I was wiiiiiildly manic and swore I was a messenger of God (hey if you listen to my side, it made complete sense at the time (which is a book I plan on writing one day soon-ish)). He was also the one to tell me I was an alcoholic and needed to cut way the hell back. Which I did. But.

Sweet Worship

I came across Persian Guy on Match.com months ago, shortly after I broke up with Olympian (just before Halloween) because of the theory that the best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else. Or some shit like that. And I'm determined to fuck that adage true.

The day after Persian Guy was supposed to come over to my house to cook me an authentic Persian dinner for our first date (but he cancelled due to a stomach bug), I realized that I was in no position to date anyone and called it quits across the board of my many dating contenders. A few thought it was a manipulative bitch of a move on my part, but it wasn't. I was broken, and the only person who could fix me was me. So I bailed on the dating scene. 

Last Minute Christmas Present Ideas

I'm sure many of you are last-minute Christmas shoppers, much like my own brother who is known for going shopping for all of us on the afternoon of Christmas Eve and somehow miraculously comes back with genuinely awesome gifts (enough of the time anyway), and since a couple of you Tweeted me @vixoen requesting suggestions, I thought I'd help anyone who is still looking for presents whether in town or online for siblings or a girl/boyfriend.

"Have a Slutty Smutty Christmas"

This bastardized Christmas song is dedicated to all my slutastic readers. May every day be a slutty, smutty one. 

Have a slutty smutty Christmas
It’s the best time of the year
I don’t know if you'll go ho
but have a pint of beer

Putting the XXX in Xmas Songs: "O Cum, All Ye Grateful"

Back in the olden days of OEN, I wrote dirty and satirical words to beloved Christmas songs because I'm an asshole like that. I keep meaning to dig through my archives and post some of them, but until then, there are plenty of others I have yet to bastardize with my dirty old man Santa ways. Hope there aren't too many easily offended Bible-humping readers out there. If so, kindly go fuck yourself on aforementioned "Good Book" and let me know how many times it made you gasp in pleasure. As for my beloved perverts, enjoy!

O cum, all ye grateful
Joyful and triumphant!
O cum ye, o cum ye to orga-a-sm
Cum and eat some pussy
Born the lord of vixens

Faith

Each relationship, and each subsequent break-up, each near-miss of a promising future, it makes it that much harder to stay hopeful that I'm going to meet that amazing guy who will make all of this fucking bullshit be worth it. I'm sick of dating, of boyfriends and first dates and wondering if this time, maybe this time, the guy in front of me will be The One. I'm sick of all this fucking nonsense. I'm ready for my next boyfriend to be my last.

And then I go through another fucking break-up.